Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
want me to check your oil?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.