Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
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Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
These work great until they don’t.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Something Saturday.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.