(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Yup.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight