I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Only short people can save us
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
They’re on their honeymoon
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this