Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!