I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My neck my back my allergy attack
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.