Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.