Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.