Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
You Might Also Like
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Come back with a warrant
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
What a chick magnet..
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Introverted vegans go meetless