Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Shower sex be like:
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
And now we wait
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.