therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
How about daylight saves us for once
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference