Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Can’t. Being lazy.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.