Candles never taste the way they smell
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“No way.” -Jose
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
cry laughing at this shit
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.