Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon