Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?