this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
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“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”