What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
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Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.