the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.