Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
This is amazing.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My what?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.