[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
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Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I am HOWLING at this
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.