Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
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Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
True freaking story!
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.