After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody