I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You Might Also Like
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome