[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
the clam before the storm
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*