If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
haha same
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
A drum solo but on your face.