A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“what that mouth do?” complain
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
how was your vacation
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend