“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.