I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Namaste
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.