Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Bros before Ohioes
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴