I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.