[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
good let them take over I have had enough
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.