My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.