The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt