Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
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Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.