I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The news in a nutshell.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime