“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
thanks auntie mary
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon