HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.