WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
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In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Breaking news:
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.