Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Customer is always right