The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.