*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
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This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Meow?
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?