If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
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*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?