i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
How I like cutting carbs
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron