No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
You Might Also Like
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Bike is short for Bichael.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.