any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer