NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this