“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
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I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
me hooking up with my ex
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.