A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.