ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out