[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
You Might Also Like
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
We all have our pet causes.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.